


I Can't

by AnxiouslyGoing



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Era, Hurt/Comfort, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:01:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26149105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnxiouslyGoing/pseuds/AnxiouslyGoing
Summary: Arguments are something both Jim and Leonard are all too familiar with. And as far as Jim's ever known, they always end the same way. But Len won't let it end that way. No this time.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 41





	I Can't

"Then hit me," Jim answered coolly. Len went rigid at his words, and at the edge, barely noticeable, to his voice. "Just take a swing. It'll make you feel better and I can take it." 

"Jim-" he started softly, but Jim cut him off. 

"It's better than you staying mad. So hit me, get it out of your system. I'll be fine."

"No-"

"Just get it over with!" Jim shouted. 

Len stumbled back a few steps when Jim shoved him hard in the chest. "Just hit me so we can be done with this!" 

Leonard reached out a careful hand. "I'm not gonna hit you. Jim, I'm never going to hit you. That's not how this is gonna work." 

"Then what?" Jim demanded, keeping his body rigid, and staring with hard eyes, trying to pretend he wasn't trembling. 

"I don't know. But I'm not gonna hit you, not now, not ever. I can't." 

"Why not?" His voice came out harsher than he meant it. But this was new territory to him, and whether he wanted to admit it or not it frightened him. "Nobody else seems to have a problem with it. So why not you too?" 

Leonard let out a sigh. "I was seven. The first time my mother hit me. I don't even remember why, but I was upset, I was crying and even though she wanted me to, I couldn't get myself to stop. So she backhanded me. Her ring caught me, left a little cut. When my dad came home, I was afraid to get in trouble, I was afraid she would hit him too. So I lied about it. I told him I cut my cheek looking for my ball under a bush. Lies got harder to come up with as I got older, but by the time Jocelyn started taking swings at me I had dermal regen hidden in my office. It wasn't ever anything more than being slapped, but blood vessels in the face tend to be close to the surface, like your scalp, that's why head wounds bleed so much, and two hefty swings can leave a visible bruise. I know...it wasn't anything compared to what some people go through. But it was enough. I can't hit you. It's not I won't, I can't. I've been on the other side of that hand almost my whole life, and I can't do that to someone else. I- I can't."

Jim let out a heavy sigh and seemed to deflate. Leonard stepped forward to catch him. "I'm sorry," Jim said quietly. "This whole thing- I'm sorry." 

Leonard nodded. "It's ok. I am too." 

"No, I- I was the one-" 

"Jim-" 

"I'm sorry I shoved you."

"I forgive you, kid. Look. This is new to both of us. We're gonna screw up sometimes. We're gonna get mad and argue. But we're gonna have each other's backs too. We're gonna figure each other out, and...we're gonna get better. We're gonna have to if we're going through with this stupid three year plan of yours." 

Jim's head snapped up. "We?" 

"I'm gonna have to do some summer courses, a little extra work here and there, but I'm already licensed. I can make this work." 

"Bones, I-" he shook his head in disbelief. "But you hate flying." 

"I'm starting CBT for that next week. I'll work my way up to exposure therapy from there. I need to anyway. With my luck, even if I found a ground position I'm sure some bizarre emergency situation would get me up there anyway. Might as well go with a friend," he shrugged. 

"I- I honestly don't know what to say," Jim chuckled, almost giddy. 

"Wow. James T. Kirk is speechless. This is a momentous occasion," Len teased with a grin. 

"You really consider me a friend?" 

"Yeah. I do." Jim stared blankly, trying to fully take in Len's words. The doctor rolled his eyes. "Come 'ere, kid." He pulled Jim into a sloppy hug and patted his back. He almost took a step back when he felt Jim's head rest against his shoulder. 

"Thank you. For...all of this," Jim mumbled. 

"You're welcome, kid." 

Jim took a deep breath and stepped back. "I'm really sorry about- you didn't have to tell me all that."

"I needed you to understand though. I'm far from perfect, but that is one promise, I won't ever go back on. I don't know what kind of crap you've been through," he raised his hands, "that's your business and it's yours to decide who you talk to and when, that said, I will listen, I am here for you if you want. I don't know what you've been through, I need you to know that you are safe with me. I'm not going to ever raise a hand to you, Jim, I promise you. I know what it feels like to not be sure of someone, to not know, and I don't want you to ever have to question that. Not because of me." 

"I believe you," Jim replied, not knowing what else to say. 

"Good. Now. I don't know about you, but I'm wiped out. You up to grabbing dinner?" 

"Yeah," Jim chuckled. "Yeah, sounds good. Hey, maybe after we can drop by the shuttle sims." 

"Don't push it, kid," Bones warned as they walked from the dorm together. 


End file.
